just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
