i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
