Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
