the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
