if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize