Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
