How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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