never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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