Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
