My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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