Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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