Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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