Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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