i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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