go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
