i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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