Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
