8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
