Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
