I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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