Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize