She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
