Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
