You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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