I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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