Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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