I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Can I color on your dick again?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
