Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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