What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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