I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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