I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
