oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Randomize
