I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
