Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
