Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
