So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
