I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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