You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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