I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize