remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
