why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
