She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
