I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize