girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
