did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
