Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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