Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Your dad touched me again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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