I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize