She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize