I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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