i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why are your pants in the freezer?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
