the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
