After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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