end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
