Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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