it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
