Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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