I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
