I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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