got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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