You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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