so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
