i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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