I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
